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Friday, 19 October 2012

The First Time (A Brief Summary of the Decision to Adopt)


The first time I felt so much anger.  So much pain and desperation.  It took a long time for all that inner desolation to be shot through with something else, hope.  For the murkiness of confusion to clear just enough.  Enough to see a different path, a different dream.  Outside of my own wants and the things I had decided (without much authority to do so I might add) I would have.  Things I wanted and no one would tell me differently.  Until they did.  Tell me differently.

Then in rushed all the hurt and grief and I felt blindsided.  But I understood a little better how little say we have over anything.  How almost laughable is the arrogance of authority.  I saw this though from a place far outside myself.  Still within, I was screaming and pounding my bruised fists on hard wooden table tops.

Then the different path presented itself.  Details began to unfold.  It all felt a bit unsure, hesitant but there was some brilliance there too.  Somewhere in a different place bombs were still exploding.  But no longer was it right before my eyes.

Then as if a miracle had occurred, a sure and steady strength reached down and grabbed me hard by my bruised heart and pulled me upright again.

Somewhere far away, eight months before the end of an unspeakably terrible war that took 100 000 lives, a little boy was conceived.  Amid the chaos and confusion of a suffering country, one life, the life that would come to mean everything to us, began.

And so, beauty in the form of a little boy full of spirit and joy came to us from a most unlikely place.

And so for us, the burden of pain became a burden of love, and beauty from the ashes of what appeared to be the destruction of our hopes and dreams.  It took a long time to understand that destruction was the only way to bring forth newness and growth.
   

9 comments:

Olga Marie said...

<3
Av og til er det utrolig hva vi greier å overleve av smerte og sorg. Jeg er så glad for at dere overvant denne kampen, og at det kom noe så veldig godt utav det!

Klem

Corinne @ Everyday Gyaan said...

Thank you for sharing these deep emotions, Colleen. I know apply to your lovely little boy who can't be equated to anything else. However, I do believe we all go through these emotions. We think that our dreams are shattered...only to find that they're coming back in a much better form than anything we ever imagined.

Colleen said...

Takk Olga Marie. I appreciate that!

Yes Corinne, I was writing about what you say but I also was writing for anybody who has gone through something that shocked them senseless for awhile and am in total agreement that we all suffer such things, it's a part of being human. As you say, it is really so incredible how often when our hopes and dreams are shattered, they are replaced in ways we could never have previously imagined. Thank you for your comment!

JANU said...

Sorry, you had to go through some horrible time. But, William has made up for that...he has enriched and colored your lives as you have his.
Be blessed.
Hugs and love.

Brian Miller said...

wo. what a story....i think it is helpful for those that find themselves in a same place to hear these honest emotions....to know they are not alone but also that there is hope....

Rebecca said...

And even when we understand things (like that destruction is the only way to bring forth newness and growth), it is sometimes hard to transfer that understanding to a raw and throbbing pain of another sort...or at least so it has been for me in my 63 years. Such a slow learner am I!

Rejoicing in YOUR joy and all the newness and growth that has sprung out of your hurt and pain.

(I think it's been awhile since I've seen a picture?????)

Dangerous Linda said...

your description of coming to terms with Life's plan for you as a parent reminds me very much of my own experience with Life's plan for me as a wife. the Lord works in mysterious ways! things ALWAYS turn out better than they would have if i had gotten my way in the first place ;-*

Rachna said...

Hugs to you! William is such an amazing child, and you are a wonderful parents. Sometimes, we go through trying circumstances before a ray of hope enlightens our life.

melissa said...

This is so beautiful. I love how all the drama has come to terms of opening new doors to endless possibilities.

I love the image of the boy giving hope and transforming every chaos into love.

I pray for you always.