Friday, 19 October 2012
The First Time (A Brief Summary of the Decision to Adopt)
The first time I felt so much anger. So much pain and desperation. It took a long time for all that inner desolation to be shot through with something else, hope. For the murkiness of confusion to clear just enough. Enough to see a different path, a different dream. Outside of my own wants and the things I had decided (without much authority to do so I might add) I would have. Things I wanted and no one would tell me differently. Until they did. Tell me differently.
Then in rushed all the hurt and grief and I felt blindsided. But I understood a little better how little say we have over anything. How almost laughable is the arrogance of authority. I saw this though from a place far outside myself. Still within, I was screaming and pounding my bruised fists on hard wooden table tops.
Then the different path presented itself. Details began to unfold. It all felt a bit unsure, hesitant but there was some brilliance there too. Somewhere in a different place bombs were still exploding. But no longer was it right before my eyes.
Then as if a miracle had occurred, a sure and steady strength reached down and grabbed me hard by my bruised heart and pulled me upright again.
Somewhere far away, eight months before the end of an unspeakably terrible war that took 100 000 lives, a little boy was conceived. Amid the chaos and confusion of a suffering country, one life, the life that would come to mean everything to us, began.
And so, beauty in the form of a little boy full of spirit and joy came to us from a most unlikely place.
And so for us, the burden of pain became a burden of love, and beauty from the ashes of what appeared to be the destruction of our hopes and dreams. It took a long time to understand that destruction was the only way to bring forth newness and growth.