There has been a lot on my mind lately. And also a lot not on my mind. Strangely enough, it's what has not been on my mind that occupies me the most.
There are a lot of things I push aside because I don't want to truly think about them with the seriousness they deserve. Or because I am afraid that by confronting these thoughts I will be forced to take action. Make hard changes. Or any changes at all.
I suppose I pride myself on the idea that I am a person unafraid of change. Unafraid of honesty. And yet, here I am.
So how can things not on my mind still take up such a large amount space in my consciousness? For exactly that reason I would think, the very fact that I am pushing these things outside the realm of thought brings these issues I am trying to avoid to the very forefront of my mind in every way except thought. In stress or anxiety or anger or sleeplessness etc. etc. etc. And the "why" is there at the tip of my tongue if I would just be courageous enough to look at my present situation, my reactions to various things that have happened to me in the past year, the goals and aspirations I have for the future, the person I am right now and the person I want to become.
I have been feeling uneasy and I think it's because I have not been entirely truthful with myself. While I am a very outgoing person I also am a very introspective one as well. There is nothing that happens that I don't analyze to death. There is no facet of my personalty that I don't make the most minute and exact study of.
There are things I want. Ways I want to live. Ways I want to be.
I want to live mindfully, simply, creatively, happily, faithfully, courageously, honestly, wisely. I want to be at peace with myself and to not mind the inevitable times I am not at peace with those around me. I want to nurture a creative and loving spirit. I want to go on learning every day. I want simplicity and an unpretentious manner of living and being. I don't want to do well by the standards set out for me by society and the world. I want to do well by my own standards. I don't want to fall in line. I want to be courageous enough to follow the path I know to be right for me.
I don't want to live in a way that satisfies anyone's idea of "normal". But neither do I want to go out of my way to prove myself so different from "everyone".
We are none of us "true individuals", every idea we have has been picked up from someone else somewhere along the way all the way back to the beginning of time. We have no claim on originality and yet we are all individuals. We are all very similar and we are all very unique. What saddens me is that so many people spend their lives suppressing that brilliant spark of light that makes them unique. They fear it or they hide it or they kill it or allow others to do so.
There is a Latin proverb I like. "Live your own life, for you will die your own death."
I am the only person alive who sees the world quite like I do. Who feels quite like I do. Who dreams or hurts or loves or learns or refuses to learn quite like I do. I can not be replaced by anybody else.
Why do I not think I am worthy then? Why do I not carefully take my own fragile preciousness in my hands and protect it the way I would a child's? Why do I so often fail to be kind to myself?
I am good. I say the wrong thing sometimes. I do the wrong thing sometimes. I am imperfect but I am good.
And so my friend, are you.