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Tuesday, 2 November 2010

It Has To Be Enough For Me

It's a good day for musing.

It's only 3:20 pm and the sky is dark, rain is shattering itself againt the windows from which a soft golden light shines against the gathering darkness outside. The kind of light you see in other people's windows when walking along busy streets lined with cozy houses, rain pounding the pavement all around you...the kind of light you see in someone elses window and long for, assuming their home must be filled with peace and quiet kind of soft glow that for a moment, you envy as you trudge past it in the cold. Even if you have your own window from which gentle light spills out illuminating the rich life within your own home that perhaps other people pass by on dark, cold, lonely nights and envy.

I'm not so certain as I sounded in my previous post. Don't think that my words on who I am mean I have it all figured out. Not by a long shot I'm afraid.:) The words sound confident and I know that they are true...but knowing doesn't make it easy to live in such a way and knowing is not the same as understanding.

I'm not certain but I'm not confused either. I am aware. I am searching. I always want...

Maybe I want soft light to illuminate my soul. To spill out of my heart and give beauty to all I do. Maybe I envy anothers light, a more obvious light, without cherishing and tending to the light in my own soul. Without understanding it.

Whatever the answers to my questions, I am who I am. I have my own gifts and light. They have to be enough for me.

"Five great enemies to peace are found within us: avarice, ambition,envy, anger, and pride. If these enemies were to be banished, we should without doubt, always enjoy peace." - Plutarch (Greek moralist)

Peace be with you then on this rainy night, I hope your unique light keeps the shadows and monsters away.


Ellinor said...

Så fint skrevet. Akkurat det trengte jeg å lese i kveld :)

Lori said...

I like your thoughts your honesty...I think we all wonder these things...and I don't know anyone that has it all figured out. :) I hope you always know that you are enough. I think each of us needs to know that. I know I struggle with feeling like enough.

Peace to you on your dark, rainy day...may your light shine brightly. Love and hugs to you dear. XX Lori

Felisol said...

Var ikke mærket, kunne vi heller ikke se stjernene.
Henrik Wergeland sa (i en depresjons periode):"Klag ikke under stjernene over mangel på lyse punkter i ditt liv"
Etter en vandring i den dunkle dalen og mange bønner fikk jeg engang disse ordene fra Esaias 45:2 :"Jeg vil gå frem foran deg; og bakker vil jeg jevne; dører av kobber vil jeg sprenge; bommer av jern vil jeg sønderhugge. Og jeg vil gi deg skatter som er skjult i mørket, og rikdommer som er gjemt på lønnlige steder, så du kan vite at jeg er Herren, som kalte deg ved navn."

Det er utrolige steerke løfter, og den gangen for 36 år siden skjønte jeg hverken rekkevidden av læftene, eller hvordan de kunne bli oppfylt.
I dag kan jeg stå i hagen ved min lille Eben-Ezer stein og si "Hittil HAR Herren hjulpet."

Grip de samme løftene, de er dine også.
Hilsen Elise

Life with Kaishon said...

Oh Colleen! I love how you make me think. I love that you live a beautiful and compelling life out loud. You are a treasure.

Colleen said...

Takk Ellinor, jeg tenker på dere og håper at dere få gode nyheter snart.

Thank you Lori, peace to you too as you prepare for your thanksgiving celebration!

Felisol, as always you comment just speaks right to my heart. I will claim that promise as well. Thank you for your wise words. How are you feeling lately? I've been thinking of you during this time.

Becky, thank you for your lovely words.

Crown of Beauty said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Crown of Beauty said...

Oh dear Colleen, I appreciate your latest visit to my blog. Somehow whenever I see a comment from you, my heart leaps!

Last night I wrote a comment here, but this morning I deleted it to rewrite and refine what I said.

I can understand a bit of what you are saying on this post. You are a seeker of truth. I can sense your inner hunger.

And when you seek with all your heart, you will surely find!

My personal journey has shown me that God is always ready to take us to the next level in our relationship with Him. We never really stop growing in our Christian life - and sometimes the seeming roadblocks we encounter are meant to draw us closer to Him.

So don't give up seeking for eternal truth.

I remembered one post I wrote on the day I celebrated my 32nd wedding anniversary. It is a long post, but if you have time, you might want to drop by my blogplace and take a look.

"The Broken Places"


Colleen said...

Lidj, thank you, I feel the same way about your comments! Whenever I see one I feel as though an old friend has left me valuable thoughts and words, so thank you!!
I agree very much with what you said about our journey in faith never being finished. I know that God is truth, it's just a constant process to discover what God intends for me and where He wants to lead me, what sort of person He wants me to be. I think my struggle is in discerning the truth between my identity in the Lord and not in the world if that makes sense and in letting go of other people's expectations for me and truly being the woman God wants me to be, having that strength. But in our world and culture, there are so many messages bombarding us that I think it's hard to think clearly at times. In fact, I think very few people think clearly (which is why I appreciate you for example because you do!)

Even I am not really sure what the entire point of this post is...I think maybe just not allowing yourself to be brought down in this world with it's confusion and loneliness, competitiveness and superficiality. To just focus on the gifts that God gave us (the term "light" was just an analogy but I see now it could come across sounding new age which I didn't intend!:) I just meant "light" as in gifts and talents, or faith or good things one has but still envies in others...
Does any of this make sense at all??!!:) I am rambling.:)
Thank youf or your comment Lidj, I appreciate your clarity and strength in the Lord.
Love, Colleen

P.S. Hope this doesn't sound too strange but I had a dream that I met you on a bus the night before last, we had a lovely conversation and I thought "How nice to finally meet Lidia in person!" :)

Anonymous said...

I feel the same way. I see other people and everything they do seems to show how wonderful they are on the inside.
The past year has been a transforming one for me. I used to be an unhappy person. Now, I strive every day to be a genuine person. One who loves and cares for people. Who doesn't accept bad thoughts as my own.

Love this post! Beautifully written as always :)

Toyin O. said...

You are certainly unique in your own way Colleen; you are awesome the way you are and you should never change; unless of course God asks you too:) I think we run into problems when we start comparing ourselves to others. Great post.

I just also wanted to thank you for your visit and gracious comment:) Have a great day!

Janet said...

This post brought back a flood of memories!!! I know exactly what you are talking about! I remember walking, mind you, for me it was in the snow not rain, and looking into all the houses with their Christmas lights wondering what kind of life these people were leading, if they were happy or sad, content or striving, at peace or at war with themselves...

All we can hope for is to be a light, however faint, in other people's lives. To some we will be a bright shining star, to others just another dot on the canvas of life but no matter how big or small we are still noticed and we still affect the people around us. A quote I recently came upon states "You will be the same person in five years as you are today except for the people you meet and the books you read" we are the person other people meet and as such the people around us will be changed, hopefully for the better... I know I am a better person for knowing you! :o) Love you dear friend!

Red said...

In this post I really felt your writing. As a visitor here for the first time it was a beauty that I needed to experience today. Thank you for that blessing and encouraging those moments of revealing honesty.

Colleen said...

Ashlee, I admire that you have transformed your way of thinking! That is inspiration in itself, just to know it is possible to let go of certain thoughts and choose others!

Toyin, thanks for your lovely words, so true...the trouble begins with comparisons for sure.

Oh Janet, I do wonder why we think like this? I fall into it a lot...not really envy but wondering...assuming someones life is perfect. "All these people sitting with me on the plane to London must lead such exciting lives..." Meanwhile I'm on the same plane for example"!:) I like your has some truth to it! Deep down we are the same, I think though that when we are trying to grow the changes are not really changes but more just a development of who we always were, don't you?

Red, welcome! I am so pleased to meet you and so pleased you stopped by. Thank you for your encouraging words...they brightened my morning!