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Tuesday, 13 October 2009

Suspended Time

I will admit that I wondered at first. Long before we decided for certain to adopt. Long before you were even born...and an eternity before I met you. I wondered if I would love you. Wondered if I could. Maybe this seems a horrible thing to admit to. I don’t think so though because it wasn’t actually you or me or whether you were worthy of love or if I were capable of giving it that I was wondering about, but more about the nature of love itself. How does one love if not to simply decide to do so? I was preparing myself with these thoughts, arming myself with the knowledge that love is more than we assume it is. Thinking it through in order to be able to promise you that my love for you will not fluctuate daily as feelings, without fail, do, but that it will be a constant presence in your life. In order to be able to promise you that you will never need to wonder.

I also wondered what it would be like to visit you every day for two hours at the orphanage. I wondered what we would possibly do. It’s only been three days. We’ve only seen you for six hours in total. I needn’t have wondered. The time we have with you is too short already. It feels like suspended time...quiet, peaceful, full. I could never have known that for these two hours, everything else would become less important, that seeing you yawn would be something to exclaim excitedly over...and that like this morning, when we made you laugh for the first time, actually laugh, that it would be the most beautiful sound I could ever imagine.

I didn’t expect to already love you. I had told myself to be patient, that it would come in time. But here we are and here you are, with your huge, alert, glossy brown eyes and though you may not really know us yet or understand exactly who we will be to you, we understand very well after just six hours that you are the most precious gift God could ever have blessed us with. We are head over heels already.

15 comments:

kate said...

Colleen, Im crying again! What else can I say? God bless you and Per and the wee little man...... Love Amma

carterkwonder said...

that's beautiful.

carterkwonder said...

that was from me (mary-anne) by the way, i have no idea who carterkwonder is. maybe michael? anyways, from me =]

Anonymous said...

Colleen, I'm crying too. Just beautiful, you have moved me beyond words...Thank you for touching my life!judi

Triin said...

This is just so beautiful that I keep reading it again and again! I can only imagine how you wait for every day to see him again! And how long those hours are that you are apart...Soon soon there`s nothing that keeps you apart, soon there will be joy in every moment and laughter for years because thats what being a parent is! Hugs, Triin

Olga Marie og Jan Henrik said...

Aaaawww welcome to the fantastic world of parenting <3

SB said...

What a wonderful, tender, and moving post this is. Thank you for sharing.
(And shame on you for making us all cry like this. ;-) )

JB said...

You may be glad to learn that you didn't reduce me to tears, but it was indeed a splendid posting. :-)

James (Sesselja's bloke)

Ine said...

Believe it or not, I did not cry either. I just smiled through the entire post. It's beautifully written!

Aurelia said...

Beautiful! Alan and I were reading with emotion and happiness for you 3! It is all so true what you are describing, all these thoughts going round in your head. It must be fabulous to finally have your questions answered! Thank you so much for sharing.

Anonymous said...

You have an amazing gift putting every thought on the paper, thank you for sharing!!! I'm so happy for you two, cant wait to meet little mr perfect!! Klem fra M.S.

jjdelta said...

Beautiful

That's the type of thing you want to write down, by hand, and give to William when he turns into a man; your first thoughts as you met him.

Colleen you are such a beautiful person inside and out. Thank you. For sharing your innermost thoughts.

I love you girl! I truly do :)

Zion said...

Awww, I can't say that my eyes are completely dry after reading through those beautiful wonderings and experiances.

You two must play a lot of cards during the long wait between visits to the orphanage?

(((HUGS))) to you and your men :)

Colleen said...

Mom, you really have got to stop all this crying!! Is this how a Viking acts??:)
Mary, I don't have a clue who "carterkwonder" is either and I'm thinking it's better not to ask...:) I'm glad you liked it though!
judi, triin, and Olga Marie, thank you for the thoughtful comments you wrote!
Sesselja, thank you and you have no idea the searing remorse I feel at having made so many people cry...;) Haha!
James, thank you for stopping by and I appreciate hearing you weren't reduced to tears over this!:)
ine, thanks...i can't wait until it's your turn to write all about your experiences here, very very soon hopefully!!

Colleen said...

Aurelia, thank you so much for really understanding what I mean...that's good to hear. How are things going with you and Alan? I hope things are moving along quickly for you...
Merete, you can bet we'll be making a trip out to Mandal very soon after we get home! Can't wait to see you!
Janet, I love you too Girl!! And what a FANTASTIC idea! I just may do so...
And S├Žunn, thank you my friend and big hugs to you and your family too!!!