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Thursday, 24 September 2009

If You Manage To Make It To The End Of This, Adoption Is Mentioned Here Somewhere. I Promise. :)

It's so easy to get carried away by emotion. Perhaps you'll have gathered by now that though I strive desperately to be cool, calm and collected, I am often no such thing.  At times, I am somewhat of a drama queen.

For example and totally on topic, when I worked briefly as an au pair for a German family in Schwandorf and was lucky enough to have my own small set of rooms in their massive manor house. The main problem I had with this otherwise ideal situation was spiders. Yes. Spiders. The bane of my existence. I hate to even type the words but there are such things as spiders. You can close you eyes. You can pretend all you like that they don't exist but they do.

Anyway, southern Germany was rife with the hideous creatures. Rife. One night as I lay on my bed writing in my journal (in all likelihood about spiders, I don't remember now), I actually heard a horrifying scuttling sound that alerted me to the fact that there was a spider in my room actually big enough to make a sound when it moved. Being late at night, there was no one I could call for help. This was one giant I would have to face alone. Screwing my courage to the sticking place, (Disclaimer: The part of this sentence referring to courage is a bold-faced lie.), I stood on my bed and screamed. Then picked up the nearest thick book and threw it with all my might, widely missing the spider. It began to move. I began to cry. Being a good Catholic, I also began to pray desperate "Hail Mary's". I threw some shoes. They crashed nowhere near my nemesis. I began to call on God to save me. You'll have to trust me when I say this was not done in a blasphemous way. In a final act of desperation I picked up a lamp, taller than I am, that stood by the side of my bed. Still standing on the bed, I held it aloft like a harpoon and knew this was my moment. In slow motion this huge metal lamp glided through the air and landed, miraculously on the spider. In the aftermath of the monstrous crash, I collapsed in a heap on the bed...sobbing in relief . It was over. Just like that. After an hour of shouting, sobbing, praying, and throwing large objects that didn't belong to me. It was only later that I began to contemplate what the family sleeping above me must have thought of this fiasco. They may well have questioned the sanity of this newly hired au pair girl from the prairies of Canada who they were paying to watch their two year old. After I regained my strength I hopped off my bed, looked in the mirror and began practicing casual shrugs that would hopefully ward off any queries as to what I had been doing in the wee hours of the night.

So really, what I'm trying to say is that with a history like this, who can blame me for being a bit emotional as I wait for our referral call?  Who can blame me for feeling like I am slowly going insane? Or for feeling like I can barely get through each day I am so burdened by all these feelings and dreams of the future? Who can blame me for all the frustration, anxiety, fear, joy, and desperate hope I feel while I am waiting to hold my baby in my arms and walk out the door of an old life into a brand new one?

8 comments:

Sean said...

One of the funniest things i have read in a while.

Ine said...

I don't blame you at all! And I love the funny story about the spider. Actually I thought it was hysterically funny, because I have the same fear and have a similar story. I rented a room in a basement of a family's house in UllevÄl several years ago, and the place was crowded with spiders. Most of them were small, but once there was one so big it had thick legs with hair on them! I usually smashed the spiders with a newspaper or sucked them in the vakuum cleaner, but this time I knew immediately that a thin newspaper wouldn't do, and I couldn't risk that it would survive the vakuum cleaner. So I picked up a thick magazine. But then I thought 'no'. The PHONE BOOK! After I had smashed the phone book over the spider I hopped on it to make sure it wouldn't get away with just beeing a little squeezed. Needless to say, the spider was splattered and there was blood all over the phone book and the carpet. Of course, I didn't see that before after a couple of days, when I finally dared to lift the phone book from the floor, scared that the spider was just hiding and waiting for me to remove the phonebook before jumping me. And also, a part of the story is that when I first saw the spider, I ran crying out of the room, before it hit me that if I didn't kill it now, I wouldn't know where it was hiding when I went to bed. When I returned to the battle field, the spider was of course nowhere to see, and I spent two hours looking for it before I finally tracked it down and smashed it.. Crying continiously, of course. So you see, I can relate to your story on a very personal level! ;)

Anyway, I'm really hoping for good news soon!! And I love the metaphor of walking out the door of an old life and into a new one. <3

Sean said...

i also felt the need to spread this one around lol. so many others got a good laugh at your expense too colleen i hope you arent too hurt

SB said...

I HATE spiders and fully sympathise with both of you.

Ine said...

"Thank goodness there are no spiders in Sri Lanka!!;)"

Hahahaha! ;)

Dawn said...

spiders... i am totally with you on that one. i can try and talk myself out my fear - they are smaller than me, they don't hurt people, so what if they are ugly, etc... and still - if i see one i lose all sanity and flip out! i sort of wondered if satan came as a spider to eve and not a snake (but then my dad told me he didn't think eve would ever had considered talking to a spider. if i would have been i would have run away that's for sure!).

Anonymous said...

Colleen I am so happy you are going to have a little boy of your own. They are fun and exciting. Mind you you had brothers and know what little boys are like :) i get to figure it out on my own, but either way it is nice and exciting :) all the best Rona

Colleen said...

Hehe Dawn, love your theory! I'm afraid that there is no rationalizing a fear of spiders!:) Of course according to Sigmund Freud, we are simply experiencing a neurotic phobia...the deadly fear we experience is actually for something else altogether, probably something horrifyingly unacceptable in our soiety and thus, we transfer our fear of that unacceptable thing to spiders. Ah, I love that man! I can tell you though that I almost think any fear would be better than this!!!:)

Hi Rona!!! I am so happy to hear from you! Thank you for commenting and you good wishes! Yes, little boys are loads of fun! We are very happy and excited and looking forward to our journey to meet this little guy! I hope all is well with you and your family! Take care!