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Wednesday, 13 August 2008

I Want To See The Same Things Differently

April 23, 2008

There is this sort of panicky, dry-mouthed terror that strikes suddenly. In my case, I was walking down the stairs in the early evening, arms full of a pile of clothing desperately in need of a wash, (the clothing that is, not me), admiring my shadow on the pale green wall when I heard my husband talking quietly on the phone downstairs, making a date. And I knew what it was. It was my world changing. Something that was before only an indefinate idea taking tangible shape, forcing me to realize it was there, immediate, something to be dealt with now…not some distant point in the rosy future. It struck me so suddenly, my heart started pounding, my face flushed, my mouth felt like it was full of cotton balls and the only thing I felt was a certain sort of irrational fear. Forgetting the laundry, I walked as if in a dream into the living room and whispered a strangled, "So…? What did she say?"

He looked at me, his face serious and he said we’ll be meeting with the social worker who will handle our adoption process on Monday at 9am. Here in our own home.

Here in our own home?! Here? In our own home? Where I wash the floors on average twice a year? Where it’s…MESSY? And the plants have the unfortunate habit of not making it to old age? This home? Funny how one can be suddenly struck by thoughts of the extreme importance of long-ignored domestic duties when there looms on the horizon something much more significant…

So I stood in the fading daylight coming in through the window and asked repeatedly and somewhat hysterically, "But what will she ask us? What will she want to know?" To which Per replied that he didn’t know. Still, I insisted he tell me what she would ask, as though he would know any more than I would. Finally, in what amounted to a shallow despair I sighed in long-suffering frustration, "I’ll never be able to answer questions like those." and slumped down in a dejected heap on the couch. (’Questions like those’ being queries I had just made up randomly in my head that very moment.)

I should be happy, excited even, to have our interviews so soon…and maybe after I am more used to this idea of baring my heart and soul to a stranger, of talking about the most private and personal feelings and memories and experiences I have had and then having these personal griefs, joys, and experiences poured over and analyzed by countless unknown people to determine whether we are fit to be parents, I will be calmer and recognize the blessing in this not hanging over our heads for months to come yet. Here’s praying for the peace and grace to handle this situation with something less than acute terror.

9 comments:

Georgina said...

We are praying! You starting a blog, Colleena, is seriously such a huge blessing. Seems like you just told me all you wrote, to my face. I miss you guys. God is in control of this situation. I am so excited for you both!!! We love you! God be with you. Clean your house.

Comment by Georgina
April 23, 2008

Kate said...

I do believe that God has wonderful things in store for you, Colleen! As the song sas, “he did not teach us to swim, to let us drown……”

Comment by Kate
April 24, 2008

Janet said...

Colleen!!! You….a blogger….I love it! Good job on it by the way, I haven’t had a lot of time to poke around but from what I’ve seen it looks good )
I’ll be praying for you and Per, don’t worry the Lord has gone before you in this, He knows the outcome and whatever it is you are strong enough for it. He never tests us beyond our abilities.
I was really discouraged the other day and the Lord gave me a song by Casting Crowns - In Me, this is the chorus:

Cause when I’m weak, You make me strong
When I’m blind, You shine Your light on me
Cause I’ll never get by living on my own ability
How refreshing to know You don’t need me
How amazing to find that you want me
So I’ll stand on Your truth, and I’ll fight with Your strength Until You bring the victory, by the power of Christ in me

Be encouraged, He is with us, He is with YOU!
I love you girl!
I’m praying
Janet

Comment by Janet
April 24, 2008

Sean said...

We’re praying for you both here too. I will place it before Our Lady in her shrine in montreal this summer….

Comment by Sean
April 24, 20

Colleen said...

Thank you for all the encouragment! It’s great to know that you’ll all be hoping praying that everything goes well with us and we appreciate it so very much!
One really practical thing that someone can do is hire a maid for us…:)
Also, I’m thinking of baking banana bread for when the social worker comes. Is this a good idea? Janet?:)
April 25, 2008

Janet said...

hem…I’d leave the banana bread out - just in case :)

Comment by Janet
April 25, 2008

Kate said...

So, what is the next step?????

Comment by Kate
May 10, 2008

Office_Girl said...

Colleen, I am very far behind in following your and Per's journey. But I feel very blessed to have the opportunity to go back and see where you have been, where you are, and to know how I can pray for you and Per. You are both very dear to my heart and often on my mind. Thank you for letting us share this with you (even if I am a little late!)

Colleen said...

Office Girl, I'm the one who feels so very blessed to have friends and family that are sharing this with us...thank you! I can't tell you how much I'm looking forward to the day when you and I can sit down, face to face, and talk for hours about all of this. I think that both of us have so much to share and it hasbeen far too long. Miss you my friend!