All Done Here

Hi friends, I'm all done here for good.
Thank you all so much for joining me on this blogging journey and
God bless you all!
Love, C.

Escape

A breath.  Caught.  Inside.
A breath.  Exhaled.  Died.
It wasn't enough.  To breathe.

Shallow.
I never could get enough air. 
Enough peace.  Enough anything.
Staggeringly broken. 


By what every breath could not provide:
Life. My life.
Color inside.


Enough air to breathe.
Enough space to be.

All this time I searched for you.
I looked and looked and couldn't see.
I screamed and screamed
But not very loudly.
I waited out the days and nights.
Apologized and explained too much.
Wasn't me.  Wasn't me.  Wasn't me...


A subtle shift.
A sudden strength.
My heart.  My heart.  My heart.  My lungs...
My soul.  My time.
My one.  My one.

My life.
My color.
My air.
My space.

Escape.

Escape.

Nothing More Dangerous

"Nothing is more dangerous to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future."

I agree and would add other dangers that threaten the human spirit are complacency.  Indifference.  Unquestioned material security.  I am terrified by such things.  Perhaps my most genuine fear, spiders aside, is the fear of growing complacent and too secure in the routine of my life.  So secure that I am blind to others needs, others pain, others in general.  So secure that I no longer think or question or grow or no longer desire healthy changes in myself.  So secure I no longer desire an element of insecurity in my existence.

I have an adventurous spirit.  Not in the physical danger\ daredevil sense of the term however and yes, I freely admit that. ;)  I am adventurous in the sense that I live my life in a willing fashion.  I feel I am willing to do what I truly want to do and willing to not be pressured into doing what I do not.  Adventurous because my soul yearns for possibilities and rebels against social norms.  "You must do this.  You must do that."  Why?  Why must we do anything?  The only thing we "must" do is live seeking the truth of why we are here in the first place.  We must strive toward constant growth.

Yesterday I turned 32 years old.  My husband and I went out for dinner and oddly enough talked about this very subject.  What does it mean to have a "secure future" and do we want any part of it?  We reached the conclusion that to us a secure future is not found in one particular place.  It is not being in one particular country or one particular home.  We discussed how we both feel that we could live anywhere and since we share our own version of an "adventurous spirit", I do believe we could.  We determined rather that the feeling of security must lie within our own hearts.  If it does then we already have a secure future in the sense that our security does not depend on  or change with outward circumstances.

I am not impressed with material wealth, fame, popularity, influence etc.  Just don't care.  I like quirky things.  I like quirky people.  I am impressed by people like Mother Teresa and Vincent Van Gogh or those who go against what society tells them they must do and make some sort of remarkable difference in the world or those who go against what society dictates and lead quiet yet remarkable lives that no one ever really hears about.  I'm all for that.  I'm all for living a normal life too by the way.  If by normal you are truly living and breathing freedom, empathy and compassion no matter what your circumstances.  Not normal in the sense of "keeping up with the Jones'"

We never know, and it's very right we don't know,  what the future will bring.  Where we will be in one year, two years, ten.

So I'm 32.  I drink a lot of tea and a lot of coffee.  I light a lot of incense.  I pray and do a lot of soul searching.  I laugh a lot.  Talk too much at times.  Imagine myself as some sort of wise wandering guru.  Acknowledge my reality is slightly different.  I have a ridiculous sense of humor and find a lot of things funny that most people do not.  I dream huge dreams and believe that I have a wealth of opportunity and possibility open to me.  I have a lot faith.  I like to really talk and am utterly bored by small talk.  I think most people are pretty interesting.  I like to travel and explore.  I adore thrift shopping and cutting my own hair.  I have a passion for Italy and India.  I love to read.  I love to write.  I like to paint.  I try to be genuine.  I sometimes find it a struggle.  I hate when things are phoney.  I'm not really a huge success in any of the things the world acclaims as important but ehh, you know, I don't really care. :)

Maybe someday I'll be your neighbor.  Someday I might live in Mumbai or Texas or some random little village in Italy.  Some day I might consider a successful day one where I've just eaten a lot of fresh mango and slept in a hammock.  In fact I'd consider that successful now.  Someday I want to live where the weather suits my clothes.  Someday I want to walk the Camino de Santiago.  Go to Lisieux.  Go to Medjugore.  Go on a hundred billion pilgrimages.  Some day I want to roam around the world again with my husband.  Someday I want to live right down the street from a Catholic church.  So yeah, someday.  Or today.  How about today? 

Anyway, gotta run.  Gotta go.  Gotta live.  Cheers Darlin'.

The Second Time (A Summary of The Present Adoption Thus Far)

Now I won't claim to have always been a shining beacon of graceful waiting for others to marvel over.  No, no, really, I haven't.  I have, however, come quite a long way from going to pieces at nothing and kicking cement walls and shouting at God in the hallway.  That is, I was in the hallway.  Well no wait, I suppose God actually was there as well.  Anyway, my point is that I have certainly spent time waiting before but much of that time has been sadly lacking in maturity and anything even resembling grace.  I provide the link for evidence as I know you don't believe me.  http://thecolorspectrum.blogspot.no/2010/03/straw-that-broke-camels-back-really.html

There now.  Objections overruled.

So, the second time.  In the case of our first adoption from Sri Lanka, all things considered, we were blessed beyond belief at how quickly it transpired.  22 months in total.  Which quite honestly, is nothing in adoption time.  I have known people whose adoptions took five or six years to complete.  The only thing is that I pray fervently that this present adoption doesn't take that long.  Consider again, the first adoption in its entirety took 22 months.  This adoption process has already taken 21 months and unfortunately our papers are not even in Sri Lanka yet due to the country being closed to foreign adoptions at present.  Now I am not complaining, I am simply stating a fact when I say that nothing has gone smoothly so far in this process.  If a delay has been possible, you can bet it's happened.  If this had been our first adoption experience, I may have given up hope by now.  But we're seasoned veterans now.  And ages older than I was all those many long years ago when I kicked walls and shrieked in frustration because I couldn't tie my shoelace.  Three whole years older.

Certainly we are at a far different place in our lives now than we were the first time we waited and this time waiting is not the agony it was then but it still is difficult in its own way.  They predict that it will still take three or so years when our papers reach Sri Lanka so as you can imagine we are very very hopeful that things straighten themselves out soon.  So the time we wait may be five or six pregnancies long to put it in perspective.  Though it is not a physical weight, you'd be quite mistaken in thinking that waiting adoptive parents don't also carry a very heavy burden of weight around with them as well.

However, I believe I have learned something since the last time and if I haven't learned it perfectly yet, that is because I am a work in progress.  I am learning grace in uncontrollable circumstances.  I am learning contentment in my daily life.  I am learning to simply cherish the child I have at present and to pray for the one we will adopt in the future.  Put very simply, I hope.  I just hope.

I can't predict when Sri Lanka will open its doors again so what can I do but accept the waiting?  I can predict nothing.

Once again, it comes down to releasing control.  Even as we adopted the first time, we had "plans".  Plans to adopt many children.  Plans about how quickly we could follow one adoption with another. Etc, etc., etc.  For now, we simply wait and the only thing we can control is the grace with which we do so.  And well, even that, I admit to needing quite a lot of help from God with.  When I pray for the strength to be patient, I find He is quite willing to oblige me. ;)

So cheers.  Hope with me that I have some news to impart soon.