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Saturday, 9 March 2013

All Done Here

Hi friends, I'm all done here for good.
Thank you all so much for joining me on this blogging journey and
God bless you all!
Love, C.

Tuesday, 30 October 2012


A breath.  Caught.  Inside.
A breath.  Exhaled.  Died.
It wasn't enough.  To breathe.

I never could get enough air. 
Enough peace.  Enough anything.
Staggeringly broken. 

By what every breath could not provide:
Life. My life.
Color inside.

Enough air to breathe.
Enough space to be.

All this time I searched for you.
I looked and looked and couldn't see.
I screamed and screamed
But not very loudly.
I waited out the days and nights.
Apologized and explained too much.
Wasn't me.  Wasn't me.  Wasn't me...

A subtle shift.
A sudden strength.
My heart.  My heart.  My heart.  My lungs...
My soul.  My time.
My one.  My one.

My life.
My color.
My air.
My space.



Thursday, 25 October 2012

Nothing More Dangerous

"Nothing is more dangerous to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future."

I agree and would add other dangers that threaten the human spirit are complacency.  Indifference.  Unquestioned material security.  I am terrified by such things.  Perhaps my most genuine fear, spiders aside, is the fear of growing complacent and too secure in the routine of my life.  So secure that I am blind to others needs, others pain, others in general.  So secure that I no longer think or question or grow or no longer desire healthy changes in myself.  So secure I no longer desire an element of insecurity in my existence.

I have an adventurous spirit.  Not in the physical danger\ daredevil sense of the term however and yes, I freely admit that. ;)  I am adventurous in the sense that I live my life in a willing fashion.  I feel I am willing to do what I truly want to do and willing to not be pressured into doing what I do not.  Adventurous because my soul yearns for possibilities and rebels against social norms.  "You must do this.  You must do that."  Why?  Why must we do anything?  The only thing we "must" do is live seeking the truth of why we are here in the first place.  We must strive toward constant growth.

Yesterday I turned 32 years old.  My husband and I went out for dinner and oddly enough talked about this very subject.  What does it mean to have a "secure future" and do we want any part of it?  We reached the conclusion that to us a secure future is not found in one particular place.  It is not being in one particular country or one particular home.  We discussed how we both feel that we could live anywhere and since we share our own version of an "adventurous spirit", I do believe we could.  We determined rather that the feeling of security must lie within our own hearts.  If it does then we already have a secure future in the sense that our security does not depend on  or change with outward circumstances.

I am not impressed with material wealth, fame, popularity, influence etc.  Just don't care.  I like quirky things.  I like quirky people.  I am impressed by people like Mother Teresa and Vincent Van Gogh or those who go against what society tells them they must do and make some sort of remarkable difference in the world or those who go against what society dictates and lead quiet yet remarkable lives that no one ever really hears about.  I'm all for that.  I'm all for living a normal life too by the way.  If by normal you are truly living and breathing freedom, empathy and compassion no matter what your circumstances.  Not normal in the sense of "keeping up with the Jones'"

We never know, and it's very right we don't know,  what the future will bring.  Where we will be in one year, two years, ten.

So I'm 32.  I drink a lot of tea and a lot of coffee.  I light a lot of incense.  I pray and do a lot of soul searching.  I laugh a lot.  Talk too much at times.  Imagine myself as some sort of wise wandering guru.  Acknowledge my reality is slightly different.  I have a ridiculous sense of humor and find a lot of things funny that most people do not.  I dream huge dreams and believe that I have a wealth of opportunity and possibility open to me.  I have a lot faith.  I like to really talk and am utterly bored by small talk.  I think most people are pretty interesting.  I like to travel and explore.  I adore thrift shopping and cutting my own hair.  I have a passion for Italy and India.  I love to read.  I love to write.  I like to paint.  I try to be genuine.  I sometimes find it a struggle.  I hate when things are phoney.  I'm not really a huge success in any of the things the world acclaims as important but ehh, you know, I don't really care. :)

Maybe someday I'll be your neighbor.  Someday I might live in Mumbai or Texas or some random little village in Italy.  Some day I might consider a successful day one where I've just eaten a lot of fresh mango and slept in a hammock.  In fact I'd consider that successful now.  Someday I want to live where the weather suits my clothes.  Someday I want to walk the Camino de Santiago.  Go to Lisieux.  Go to Medjugore.  Go on a hundred billion pilgrimages.  Some day I want to roam around the world again with my husband.  Someday I want to live right down the street from a Catholic church.  So yeah, someday.  Or today.  How about today? 

Anyway, gotta run.  Gotta go.  Gotta live.  Cheers Darlin'.

Friday, 10 August 2012

A Life Well Lived

There has been a lot on my mind lately.  And also a lot not on my mind.  Strangely enough, it's what has not been on my mind that occupies me the most.

There are a lot of things I push aside because I don't want to truly think about them with the seriousness they deserve.  Or because I am afraid that by confronting these thoughts I will be forced to take action.  Make hard changes.  Or any changes at all.

I suppose I pride myself on the idea that I am a person unafraid of change.  Unafraid of honesty.  And yet, here I am.

So how can things not on my mind still take up such a large amount space in my consciousness?   For exactly that reason I would think, the very fact that I am pushing these things outside the realm of thought brings these issues I am trying to avoid to the very forefront of my mind in every way except thought.  In stress or anxiety or anger or sleeplessness etc. etc. etc.  And the "why" is there at the tip of my tongue if I would just be courageous enough to look at my present situation, my reactions to various things that have happened to me in the past year, the goals and aspirations I have for the future, the person I am right now and the person I want to become.

I have been feeling uneasy and I think it's because I have not been entirely truthful with myself.  While I am a very outgoing person I also am a very introspective one as well.  There is nothing that happens that I don't analyze to death.  There is no facet of my personalty that I don't make the most minute and exact study of.

There are things I want.  Ways I want to live.  Ways I want to be.

I want to live mindfully, simply, creatively, happily, faithfully, courageously, honestly, wisely.  I want to be at peace with myself and to not mind the inevitable times I am not at peace with those around me.  I want to nurture a creative and loving spirit.  I want to go on learning every day.  I want simplicity and an unpretentious manner of living and being.  I don't want to do well by the standards set out for me by society and the world.  I want to do well by my own standards.  I don't want to fall in line.  I want to be courageous enough to follow the path I know to be right for me.

I don't want to live in a way that satisfies anyone's idea of "normal".  But neither do I want to go out of my way to prove myself so different from "everyone".

We are none of us "true individuals", every idea we have has been picked up from someone else somewhere along the way all the way back to the beginning of time.  We have no claim on originality and yet we are all individuals.  We are all very similar and we are all very unique.  What saddens me is that so many people spend their lives suppressing that brilliant spark of light that makes them unique.  They fear it or they hide it or they kill it or allow others to do so.

There is a Latin proverb I like.  "Live your own life, for you will die your own death."

I am the only person alive who sees the world quite like I do.  Who feels quite like I do.  Who dreams or hurts or loves or learns or refuses to learn quite like I do.  I can not be replaced by anybody else.

Why do I not think I am worthy then?  Why do I not carefully take my own fragile preciousness in my hands and protect it the way I would a child's?  Why do I so often fail to be kind to myself?

I am good.  I say the wrong thing sometimes.  I do the wrong thing sometimes.  I am imperfect but I am good.

And so my friend, are you.