Hi friends, I'm all done here for good.
Thank you all so much for joining me on this blogging journey and
God bless you all!
Tuesday, 30 October 2012
A breath. Caught. Inside.
A breath. Exhaled. Died.
It wasn't enough. To breathe.
I never could get enough air.
Enough peace. Enough anything.
By what every breath could not provide:
Life. My life.
Enough air to breathe.
Enough space to be.
All this time I searched for you.
I looked and looked and couldn't see.
I screamed and screamed
But not very loudly.
I waited out the days and nights.
Apologized and explained too much.
Wasn't me. Wasn't me. Wasn't me...
A subtle shift.
A sudden strength.
My heart. My heart. My heart. My lungs...
My soul. My time.
My one. My one.
Thursday, 25 October 2012
"Nothing is more dangerous to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future."
I agree and would add other dangers that threaten the human spirit are complacency. Indifference. Unquestioned material security. I am terrified by such things. Perhaps my most genuine fear, spiders aside, is the fear of growing complacent and too secure in the routine of my life. So secure that I am blind to others needs, others pain, others in general. So secure that I no longer think or question or grow or no longer desire healthy changes in myself. So secure I no longer desire an element of insecurity in my existence.
I have an adventurous spirit. Not in the physical danger\ daredevil sense of the term however and yes, I freely admit that. ;) I am adventurous in the sense that I live my life in a willing fashion. I feel I am willing to do what I truly want to do and willing to not be pressured into doing what I do not. Adventurous because my soul yearns for possibilities and rebels against social norms. "You must do this. You must do that." Why? Why must we do anything? The only thing we "must" do is live seeking the truth of why we are here in the first place. We must strive toward constant growth.
Yesterday I turned 32 years old. My husband and I went out for dinner and oddly enough talked about this very subject. What does it mean to have a "secure future" and do we want any part of it? We reached the conclusion that to us a secure future is not found in one particular place. It is not being in one particular country or one particular home. We discussed how we both feel that we could live anywhere and since we share our own version of an "adventurous spirit", I do believe we could. We determined rather that the feeling of security must lie within our own hearts. If it does then we already have a secure future in the sense that our security does not depend on or change with outward circumstances.
I am not impressed with material wealth, fame, popularity, influence etc. Just don't care. I like quirky things. I like quirky people. I am impressed by people like Mother Teresa and Vincent Van Gogh or those who go against what society tells them they must do and make some sort of remarkable difference in the world or those who go against what society dictates and lead quiet yet remarkable lives that no one ever really hears about. I'm all for that. I'm all for living a normal life too by the way. If by normal you are truly living and breathing freedom, empathy and compassion no matter what your circumstances. Not normal in the sense of "keeping up with the Jones'"
We never know, and it's very right we don't know, what the future will bring. Where we will be in one year, two years, ten.
So I'm 32. I drink a lot of tea and a lot of coffee. I light a lot of incense. I pray and do a lot of soul searching. I laugh a lot. Talk too much at times. Imagine myself as some sort of wise wandering guru. Acknowledge my reality is slightly different. I have a ridiculous sense of humor and find a lot of things funny that most people do not. I dream huge dreams and believe that I have a wealth of opportunity and possibility open to me. I have a lot faith. I like to really talk and am utterly bored by small talk. I think most people are pretty interesting. I like to travel and explore. I adore thrift shopping and cutting my own hair. I have a passion for Italy and India. I love to read. I love to write. I like to paint. I try to be genuine. I sometimes find it a struggle. I hate when things are phoney. I'm not really a huge success in any of the things the world acclaims as important but ehh, you know, I don't really care. :)
Maybe someday I'll be your neighbor. Someday I might live in Mumbai or Texas or some random little village in Italy. Some day I might consider a successful day one where I've just eaten a lot of fresh mango and slept in a hammock. In fact I'd consider that successful now. Someday I want to live where the weather suits my clothes. Someday I want to walk the Camino de Santiago. Go to Lisieux. Go to Medjugore. Go on a hundred billion pilgrimages. Some day I want to roam around the world again with my husband. Someday I want to live right down the street from a Catholic church. So yeah, someday. Or today. How about today?
Anyway, gotta run. Gotta go. Gotta live. Cheers Darlin'.
Friday, 12 October 2012
I remember a woman I was friends with in the past. A woman whose extreme bluntness I had put up with for a long time because I was never on the receiving end of it. Every hurtful comment to or about someone else was followed by the proud assertion that "Well, I'm just being honest!". One day I heard her make hurtful and thoughtless remarks about a fellow friend and when I addressed this she shrugged and again with certain pride said "Look, that's just who I am! I say what I feel!" I remember then looking at her as though I was seeing her for the first time and physically turning away from her thinking "If this is truly 'who you are', then you really aren't someone I want to know".
I certainly respect people who are honest, straight forward, and who do say what they truly feel when necessary. There is integrity and courage in that and to stand up honestly for what you believe is commendable. Where I feel this philosophy of saying whatever you feel fails greatly is when it becomes an excuse to speak without thought or consideration for others. When they hold this quality up as though it were some great badge of honor. Too often I think that saying what you feel is an excuse to be rude. To cut someone down to size under the guise of "just being honest". I think sometimes it's also a defense mechanism, a genuine lack of true confidence that one tries to cover up by creating this identity of saying whatever one thinks all the while hoping no one notices their own deep insecurity..
I find very little to be proud of in saying exactly what you feel all of the time. I think rather that it is a mark of immaturity to not speak with consideration, discretion and kindness. There is something childish about loudly blurting out every thought you have at others expense.
I think that a truly mature and confident person says quietly and calmly those things that need to be said and addresses those thing that need to be addressed with dignity and above all, compassion for others. There are things that need to be said and values and beliefs that need to be stood up for and defended.
We need less superficiality and more honesty in our dealings with others. Honesty is something pure and enlightening and speaking with love and honesty means sometimes addressing hard things but in a compassionate and kind manner. Not throwing ones arms up in the air and saying defensively "Calm down, clam down, I was just being honest!" No chances are, you were just being hurtful. There's a big difference there. ;)